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How to stop fear dominating your life

Everyone feels afraid at some stage. Fear is natural and it is one of our instincts that has kept humans alive for thousands of years. Sometimes, however, fear can run our lives and ruin them. It is when our behaviour changes in response to fear that is unfounded that life becomes a struggle.

Often, we adopt techniques that allow us to drown out this feeling. Different people have different strategies but maybe you recognise yourself in one of these behaviours: drinking alcohol; shopping; watching TV; having music on all the time; having to be around people, i.e. being unable to be on your own; finding it hard to socialise; avoiding leaving your home because of fear; etc.

You can miss out on the most wonderful experiences in your life if you let fear run you. I know this from personal experience because for a long time I have given in to fear. I’m not talking about panic attacks, obsessive compulsive disorders, or fear for survival. If you are suffering from any of those, then this article is probably not for you. No, I’m talking about often unfounded and unspecific fear about all sorts of situations. For example, I find it incredibly hard to phone strangers for whatever purpose (placing an order, making an appointment, etc.). Now I recognise the feeling and I have learnt to deal with it and not to put my life on hold or miss out on wonderful experiences because of it. Here are my top tips that may help you enjoy your life without fear.

1) Become aware

When you are about to do something and fear gets hold of you, the first step is to notice it. Understand how you feel when you feel fear and recognise the symptoms immediately. Don’t judge yourself for feeling this way, don’t put yourself down, or go into blame mode. Just acknowledge to yourself that you feel fear about this situation, scenario, experience, whatever it is that makes you feel afraid. Once you’re aware and you acknowledge your feeling, you can change it. You are in control of your life, your thoughts, your words, your actions, and also your feelings!

2) Dig deeper

When you feel the fear rise up inside of you, don’t run away from it and don’t try and hide it. Instead allow yourself to go deeper and ask yourself what exactly you are scared of. Try and rationalise this unspecific feeling that has got hold of you. For example, if you are about to go to a job interview and you feel extremely scared (a bit of nerves is perfectly normal), ask yourself ‘why’ until you get to the bottom of the problem. This ‘dialogue’ could look something like this:

Why am I feeling so scared of the interview? Because if I don’t get this job, I will not earn enough money. Why am I scared of not earning enough money? Because if I don’t earn enough, I won’t be able to afford a new car. Why am I scared of not being able to afford a new car? The old one needs repairing badly.

Continue the questioning until you feel you got the bottom of the problem. It doesn’t have to be a police-style enquiry you’re holding with yourself. It’s just a little technique that helps you understand your own feelings better.

3) Rationalise the fear

Now that you know what exactly you’re scared of (in this example having to pay for repairs), you can rationalise your fear. Paint a worst case scenario if your fear came true and then develop back up plans. For example, if you’re terrified by an expensive car repair bill, look at options to use public transport until you’ve found a new job that allows you to buy a new car or pay for repairs. Or get a proper estimate done for your repairs if that helps you put your mind at ease. Perhaps the repairs would not be that bad at all? The key is to come up with a plan of action that is realistic and comforting to you personally just in case your fear comes true (which, by the way, is probably less likely than you realise in that moment).

4) Dismiss the fear

Sometimes by asking your ‘why’ questions to get to the root of your fear, you may find that you can’t come up with anything specific. It’s just a feeling that has taken over and that you can’t shake off for some reason.

As a famous saying states, f.e.a.r. is false evidence appearing real. Make it very clear to yourself that fear is not real. It’s not based on hard evidence unless you’re being chased by a bunch of lions. How often in the last 6 months were you afraid of something and the scenario you were afraid of never happened? Think of all that time you missed out on happiness and opportunities because of irrational fear! How often were you afraid of something and it did happen but you actually mastered it quite well? If you can control the situation, there is no reason for you to be afraid. If the situation never materialises, there’s definitely no point being afraid. And if the worst case scenario really does happen, then you can prepare yourself mentally (see point 3 above) and still deal with it in that moment rather than spending hours, days, weeks being afraid and paralysed.

5) Be in the moment

We spend far too much time thinking about the past or worrying about the future. The only moment that you should be concerned about is this second right now. There is no point being concerned about the past because it’s gone and you can’t change it. There is also no point worrying about the future because you only have limited influence on that right now. When you feel scared, spend your energy focusing on the now rather than your fear. The easiest way to do this is to concentrate on your breathing and consciously follow each in- and out-breath. Another technique I use to bring myself into the now is to be extremely aware of what I’m doing or what’s happening around me. For example, I consciously walk by putting one foot in front of the other and I feel all the muscles tensing and relaxing. It might take some practice to be in the moment and not to drift away with your thoughts and worries, but it’s a very powerful technique to pull you away from your fear.

 

I hope these tips help you as much as they’re helping me to be fearless. Good luck and remember to never judge yourself or put yourself down for the way you feel.

Be your authentic self and find inner peace

Authentic Awareness